so explain again why im purple
no
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
