apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
