Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
