So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
