atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
