You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Sober January is a disaster.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
