Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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