On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
