It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
