I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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