One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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