Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
