I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
