....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
