i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
