im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
