Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
