I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
