so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
