I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
