The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
