guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
