I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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