thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
