My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
