Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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