me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
