Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
