I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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