Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He felt like a one man threesome
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Randomize
