Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
