i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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