I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
There's always time for handjobs
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
