tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
