So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
