non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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