Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
