What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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