after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You pole danced in your parka.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
