So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
