Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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