Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
