the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
