I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So much Jack, so little girl.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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