If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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