I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
