Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
