$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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