Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
