I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
