It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
