I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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